To compromise or not to compromise?

Hello my lovelies! Happy post Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there and also to all the women who are not biological mothers but take on a caregiving role for others. It’s so important to acknowledge all women who take on this role. I don’t know about you all but as an auntie, I truly believe that it takes a village to raise happy, healthy, children who thrive when they have all the support but also get to see different life perspectives of others who choose not to take a traditional path.  

I want to mention that the month of May has several celebrations and this includes Mental Health Awareness Month and Women’s Health Month. I am very passionate about these two areas and this is why I do the work that I do, especially in writing this weekly blog and working with women to empower them to forge their own path in life. 

Even though it’s 2024, we have made a lot of progress as a society for women but there are still many things that our society is lagging behind in the support of women to include our physical and mental health.  One of the things that I continue to observe in both my professional and personal acquaintances is the self-sacrificing that women do for others and how this impacts not only their physical but mental health.  As women, we are notorious for putting other people’s needs before our own. In forging your own path,  my intent is  to help all women speak up, reinforce their boundaries, and stop self-sacrificing to meet the needs of others while neglecting their own. 

In my work, I’ve had the privilege to work with so many remarkable women who were ready to start their process of healing so they can forge their path in life. All the women that I worked with came from different backgrounds with various experiences and yet they weren’t all so different. One of the things that I observed is when we explored the emotional aspect of self-sacrificing , there was a lot of anger towards others for not recognizing their self-sacrifice. Many of the women spoke in detail about what they had to give up and what they had to compromise to make other people happy. 

As we explored the emotions, the feelings that included hurt and exhaustion, we got to the truth of it; my clients and I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the fact that they were mad at the other person/people for how they were feeling, it was the fact that they (client/s) were mad at themselves for allowing other people to compromise their values for the relationship. Yes. I said it, they ALLOWED the other person to COMPROMISE who they were for the sake of the relationship. 

Now, I know. We’ve all been told that to make a relationship work, we all have to make compromises. Do I believe that? Well it depends on what you’re asking the other person to compromise. So many of us, especially as women, have been conditioned that we need to compromise ourselves, our wants, desires, and goals for the good of whatever relationship we are in. In the end, we get mad, resentful, and are full of regret about the choices that we made. Initially, we are angry towards the other person who we felt that forced us to make decisions that did not align with our values. However, when you really assess, it’s actually anger towards yourself for permitting that person/people to allow you to go against what you believed in. 

Ladies, as always, this blog is not here to shame or judge you for making the decisions that you made in the past. This blog is to educate and inform you on how to make the right decisions for you. It’s a guide to help you if you find yourself in the same situation again and how to learn from it. Regardless of what relationship you are in (romantic, family, work, friendship), having to compromise who you are usually leaves negative feelings when you finally leave the relationship or if you’re still in it.  The following are tips to consider on how to NOT COMPROMISE yourself in a relationship: 

• Please get to Know Yourself: Understand your values, interests, and reinforce your boundaries before entering into a relationship. Knowing yourself will help you recognize when something doesn't align with who you are.

• Communicate Openly: Express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and honestly. Effective communication is key to ensuring that all parties understand each other's perspectives and can find common ground that works for all. 

• Don't Neglect Yourself!  It’s so easy to neglect yourself, especially if you are in a new romantic relationship or have other competing priorities that take your attention.  It’s essential to prioritize your self-care and self-love. Remember to take care of your own needs, both physically and emotionally. You have to learn to pour into your own cup before you before for others. 

• Trust Your Instincts: Listen and pay attention to your gut feelings!  If something doesn't feel right or if you feel like you're losing yourself in the relationship, address it and reassess the situation. Sometimes, our head says one thing, our heart tells us another, but our gut never lies! 

• Be Assertive: Don't be afraid to speak up if something is bothering you or if you feel like your boundaries and values are being compromised.  Assertiveness is essential for maintaining your self-respect and ensuring that your needs are met and respected. 

As always ladies, forging your own path in life means taking accountability for your  emotions and actions. At some point, if you find that you are unhappy, not satisfied, and continue to reinforce the same behaviors that keep you stuck, tired, and angry at other people, you have to be honest with yourself on why this keeps happening. 

Forging your own path in life means getting to know yourself, what your boundaries are, and believing that YOU ARE WORTH IT! This also means that you believe in you, believe that your words, actions, and your emotions are valid. This means that you DON’T HAVE TO COMPROMISE YOURSELF TO MEET THE NEEDS OF OTHERS. It’s so easy to abandon yourself and comprise who you are to complete others but moving forward, you’re done with that SHIT! Instead, you’re going to focus on YOU, follow your dreams, goals, and do whatever the HELL YOU WANT.  Be ready, all of us, we'll be cheering you on as YOU DO YOU!

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