Your Girl DON’T PLAY THAT!

Happy first week of April! You know what they say: April Showers Bring May Flowers and if you live in the Midwest, we finally had our winter wonderland after a snowless winter. This weather makes me want to hibernate, rest, and just flow…and you know what, I am okay with that! One of the things that I have learned to really accept and to continue to work on is not feeling guilty about taking breaks and resting by not pressuring myself to do anything if my body and my mind needs a rest. Now, I love to write my weekly blogs but sometimes, I do get stuck, and have writer’s block. The best thing for me is to walk away, read, or do other things and then bam! My creativity comes back! So ladies, if you are experiencing any guilt for taking a break, rest, or anything that focuses on you, it’s okay to take that break. Your body and mind will thank you for it. 

I  love working with people and especially women. In my professional work, most of my clients are women and are either Millennials (1981-1996) and Gen Z’s (1997-2009).  However, I have also worked with generations prior to Millennials too. I love working with clients of all age ranges, races, socioeconomic statuses,  religions, sexual orientation, and other social identities. My clients educate me on so many things that I am not aware of that help me be a better informed therapist. 

Even with all the diversity in my clients and my readers, my content may be geared towards a certain population one week and then it will be relatable for everyone; so, I wanted my readers to be aware that some weeks my blog may not be totally relatable to you but you may know someone (daughter, niece, friend) who may benefit from the information. My purpose in writing this blog is to have fun, educate, inform, and  empower everyone, especially women, to forge their own path in life by challenging social norms,  expectations, and saying fuck them all! 

As a Therapist, we were trained to never self-disclose anything to our clients. I understand that and yet, as I write this blog, I have chosen to self-disclose a lot about my own personal journey, the struggles, and how I overcame these struggles by doing my own work, letting go of things that no longer benefited me, and that I am NOT responsible for other people and their emotions. 

Regardless of what age you are, somehow as women, we hold ourselves to  high standards when it comes to the emotional needs of other people. We feel responsible, we take on the emotional burden, and grasp at anything that people are willing to crumble for us. I’ve worked with women of all ages who feel that they are not worthy enough and have to accept the bare minimum, toxicity, and shit from people who are NOT worthy to be in their presence. As I grew older, got to know myself, my boundaries, and standards, I realized that 90% of my problems were OTHER people and that in order for me to have my peace, I needed to stop allowing others to dictate to me what I deserve! 

Life is hard, busy, and stressful enough already. As I continue to forge my path in life, I had to ask myself what I was willing to accept and NOT anymore. I had to ask myself how each situation, people/person, was helping, benefiting, or hindering me. There were lots of stupid games, dumb prizes, energy, and time that was lost. Here are some games that I NO longer TOLERATE: 

• Disturbing my peace: My peace is my sanctuary and I am very protective of my peace. I vet people before I allow them into my life. I’ve had to do a lot of cleaning up and now my circle is small. Both personally and professionally, I’ve realized that not everyone is going to come with me on my journey and I’m at peace with that.

• Breadcrumbing:  For those who don’t know what this term means, it relates to how a person doesn't give you their whole being. This may be related to their time, emotions, or other areas of themselves. They give you just enough to keep you coming back. They give you breadcrumbs; by giving you crumbs, they justify their behavior by stringing you along, giving you bits and pieces so that you can't be mad. They make you think that you should be GRATEFUL for any attention they're giving you.   I don’t need crumbs; I am demanding the whole DAMN CAKE. 

• Fixing people: Let’s admit ladies. At some point in our lives, we thought we could fix that man if he only had our love, our warmth, and be their light in all their unresolved trauma, unemotional availability,  and that WE WOULD be different from all the other women in his life. I learned the hard way; it wasn’t me, it was them. In Social Work school, we learned to never work harder than the client. In all your relationships, you have to assess if you are working harder than the other person. If so, why and what is the purpose and benefit of working harder than the other person? The truth may hurt but it’s better to know, work on it, then abandon yourself to meet the shortcomings of other people. 

• Responsible for other people’s emotions:  This one took me a long time to learn. For the longest time, I felt responsible, I had to watch myself, what I said, and do, in order to appease other people’s feelings. Again, I came to the conclusion that it’s not about me, it’s about the other person, their lack of accountability, and responsibility to take ownership of their feelings.  I continue to do my work and it’s up to other people to do their work. If they don’t, oh well, it ain’t my problem, and I move on. 

• Low effort: I no longer tolerate low effort from people; this includes friends, family, romantic partners, and professional relationships. For so long, people  loved to remind me that I should be “grateful”  for any attention I receive. Somehow, because I was an unmarried, childfree, woman, my time, my needs, and my wants were less important because I didn’t have “real” responsibilities as others. Many people assumed that I should wait around. Newsflash: I don’t wait to be picked and I certainly don't WAIT FOR ANYONE.  I move on and I move quickly. 

There are a lot more that I can discuss but the above were my top no BS list. In my professional and personal life, I see and hear so many women who stress, take on other people’s emotions, and try to fix things/people that are beyond fixing (it needs professional fixing). As girls/women, we have been conditioned and socialized to base our worth and value on what we have to give to others. Imagine if you put all that effort into YOU. 

 My fabulous ladies, in order to forge your own path in life, you have to decide what you’re willing to tolerate and the shit that you need to cut out of your life. In my work with people, I notice the most common themes that people are searching for are:  happiness, peace, and having control of their lives. It may seem impossible, but know that all of this can be yours if you are willing to ask yourself the hard questions, do the work, and say “NOPE! NO MORE!!!”  You can do this because you’re a BADASS! 

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